My Heart is hurting...

My heart is so heavy today.



Being a mommy to depressed teens is the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do. Because my daughters' stories are not mine to tell, all I can say is that I pray for them all the time. I worry about Cheyanne's inability to find a place where she fits in this world. I am frightened she will just give up trying.
I am frightened for my younger daughter, too. A difficult few months and dysfunctional friendships have hardened her. She has a protective shell of anger around her, and relationships and even close friendships are so hard for her. I’m afraid that she will never let anyone including me ever love her. She already keeps her distance from me.
There have been many times when I’ve looked for God’s hand in my life, and many more times I’ve seen it. When I’m in the middle of trouble, and there’s no way to know what will happen next, it is so hard to believe that even now, in hard times, He can make something beautiful from these ashes. And yet, up till now, the ashes have never been the scars of my daughters. That hurts the most. These are my babies who are hurting.
When they were younger, someone was always reminding me that as a single mom, God never gives me more than I can handle. So I would talk it over with God and reiterate that, in case he somehow had misjudged my strength, I just wanted to remind him that I could not survive losing one of my children. I still don’t have that strength. I don’t know how to do more than I’m doing now. I don’t know how to make things better, and though I know that’s not really my job, I still can’t help the overwhelming desire to heal them, help, or fix them.
My friends give me encouraging verses, and remind me that I’ve trained up my girls in the way they should go, and when they get older they will return to it. But I know of people who have slipped away and fell further and further into depression, pain, bad choices, and death. No matter what I do, and how glorious is God’s plan, much depends on the free will of my children. I don’t know how to be OK with that.
My friend *Michelle has been one of the greatest spiritual influences of my life. After she had gone through an enormously difficult time, I asked her how she coped. Her reply was amazing. She told me what she wished she would have done to cope. “I wished I would have praised God more. I wished I would have listened to more Christian music and spent more time in prayer. I needed those things in my life.”
There has to be something to praise God about today.
I’ll praise him for the plan is putting into place, the plan that someday I’ll be able to see and rejoice. I’ll be thankful for the ways that he is going to rescue my family, when I’ve gone way beyond the abilities of my own strength.

If Jesus was a Dad...

I have come to the conclusion that the bible doesn’t give me enough examples of parenting a teen. Proverbs offers excellent advice from a parent to a child, but I don’t imagine any child sitting around long enough listening. Say, for instance, Jesus had been a dad of a teen. I think I would be helped greatly in my Christian parenting by reading about his examples:

And on the seventh day Jesus calleth his daughter back on her cellphone, and saith, “Verily I say to thee, if you sayest “Whatever” to me and hangeth up on me, you shall live forever as a pillar of salt in the center of town.” And in that place, all the townspeople will gather with great amazement, and the young ones will say, “There goest Little One, a sinner such as I”, and the mothers and fathers will say amongst themselves, “It is good and right that this has happened as a lesson to the children of our loins who might choose to disrespectfully end phone calls with their forefathers.”

Soon after this, Jesus spoke to his daughter, and said, “Though you sayest to me that you have finished all your homework from the day you were absent from school, I lookest into the heart and see the truth is not in you. And so, in the days in which schools break for Springtime, and the semester grades appeareth in the mailboxes, there shall be great rejoicing among the young and lighthearted of the land. But you, however, will rend your clothes and lie on your bed of sorrow, cut off from the friendship of your youth, because of the error of your homework ways. And when I asketh why you have received a ‘C’ in Health class, remember your past transgressions and refraineth from saying to me, “I do not know. The teacher hateth me.”

I think Jesus would have been an excellent parent of teens.

Really Random Thoughts...

As most of you know, I spend my day surrounded by seventh and eighth graders. Most days, we all get along just fine and I really like being around them. This week, however, my patience is almost gone. Maybe it's the warm front, but the kids are bouncing off the walls. So, my question for the day - other than prayer, how do you refill your patience jar when there's only one marble left in it? (Bonus question - how do you keep that last marble in the jar?)

Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love. Ephesians 4:2

Now on to unrelated news..LOL I read the other day that there are three kinds of friends: friends for a reason, friends for a season, and friends for life. I've had all three. Probably because I am a rather talkative person, I have never had a problem making friends for a reason. I am usually the first in a group to break the ice and get to know people. Friends for a season are harder for me. I tend to grow really attached to people, and it is hard for me when those bonds are released. Finding a friend for life is the hardest of all, but, of course, also the most rewarding. I have been so blessed to find my soul sisters. I never thought we'd play such a large role in each other's lives. Thank God for filling our lives with surprises.

Adrian and I were talking a few days ago about some odds and end things... (As we do every day) and we came across a subject that we hadn’t discussed. It was in regards to politics, and that’s something that I try not to get into a deep discussion with others about. So I’ve decided to put a few thoughts here: I consider myself a moderate independent. Sometimes I agree with one side, sometimes the other. Sometimes I disagree with both. In the spirit of free speech, here are my beliefs.

I believe that the majority of people are good, hardworking citizens who just want a comfortable life for themselves and their families.

I believe in the old adage about fishing. If you give a man a fish, he eats for a day. If you teach a man to fish, he eats for life. I believe in creating jobs that pay a decent wage, rather than increasing government handouts.

I believe that education is the foundation of a strong society. I think that if we invested more resources in education (academic, vocational, community, & family) that we would eventually need to invest less in the penal and welfare systems.

I believe that the best defense is a strong offense - that we should have the strongest intelligence and military forces in the world. I believe that service members and veterans should be thanked on a daily basis. Thank you Adrian and all of the 30th HBCT NCNG… you are my hero’s.

I believe that we are destroying our world. Every day, more and more species become extinct and ecosystems changed. I believe that we continue to be poor stewards of the resources we've been blessed with. I believe that alternatives to fossil fuels, such as solar power, wind power, and vegetable oils, must be used.

I think we are returning to a Robber Baron state, if we ever really left one - that a handful of millionaires and billionaires determine the majority of what America reads, watches, listens to, and purchases. This scares me quite a bit. I also think that big lobbyists, like the gun, pharmaceutical, and tobacco lobbies have WAY too much power.

Finally, I believe in America. I think the ideas our country is based upon still hold true. I think we are a young nation with much promise, even with our growing pains.

Reasons I Call Him Mine

I love how intelligent he is
I love how he makes me laugh even when I can't seem to smile
I love how cute he looks when he is sleeping
I love his little boy smile
I love his sexy grin
I love his big brown eyes that I could stare into everyday
I love how he says that I’m his Queen
I love how he takes care of me
I love how he knows what I’m thinking
I love how we sometimes say the same things at the same time
I love his hugs
I love how he brushes his cheek up against mine
I love his the way he dances goofy
I love how passionate he is about everything
I love how romantic he is
I love that he can watch chick flicks
I love how protective he gets over me
I love his big heart
I love how talkative he is
I love his analytical mind
I love how outgoing he is
I love how sexy he looks in combat boots
I love his sense of style
I love his sense of humor
I love his singing voice
I love his cute accent
I love his butt
I love how he loves me
I love how he makes me feel beautiful
I love how he makes me feel special
I love how he needs me
I love his passionate kisses
I love that he opens the door for me
I love it when we argue then just smile and its all over
I love how he takes care of me
I love how he touches my hair
I love his massages
I love his huge hands
I love how fun he is
I love his mind and how stimulating he is
I love his creativity
I love how he loves Christ and longs to minister to others
I love our teamwork
I love when he finishes my sentences
I love how we can pray together and I know he always prays for me
I love how child-like he is
I love how silly he is
I love how much he turns me on
I love how he smells
I love his taste in music
I love how I never know what he will say when he gets on the phone
I love his compliments
I love how his says to me “I l love you THIS much”
I love how he ends letters with Muah
I love that he prays every night
I love how thankful he is for being my man
I love how special he is
I love how he would sacrifice everything to be with me
I love how I can tell him anything and everything
I love how he has a little bad boy in him
I love his passion for America
I love his intenseness
I love his love of nature
I love how he is my biggest fan
I love how encouraging he is
I love when texts me sweet random text messages
I love his charisma
I love his charm
I love when he write me love poems
I love how giving he is
I love how forgiving he is
I love how compassionate he is
I love the little angel in him
I love the little devil in him
I love how he makes me feel
I love his laugh
I love his complexity (he’s never boring)
I love the fact that he would do anything in the world for me
I love that he is my best friend
I love that he is my soul mate!